I've been missing in action of late, but here's a little reminder of the comedy and literary genius that is Slider. Enjoy the offseason peeps and know that Daytona is only 3 months away! Plus there's this little race in South America to look forward to in the mean time.

Slider’s 2009 “Best Of” Pre Race Report

• I’m Going Home…Stead – Team Gordon concludes their 2009 NASCAR campaign in Florida solidly locked into the top 35 and looking ahead to the Baja 1000, an offseason of Dakar racing, a day or two of relaxation, and in search of the ever-elusive sponsorship dollar. While it’s been a season of ups and downs for the team and their fans, Robby Gordon continues to solidify his position and reputation as one of NASCAR’s most talented drivers and fan-friendly ambassadors the sport has seen.

In tribute to RGM and their tireless commitment to excellence in what is easily the most competitive sport in the world, below are a few reprisals from various editions of Slider’s Pre Race Reports throughout the year. Enjoy them for what their worth as we remember some of the more comical moments of 2009 and look ahead to what is certain to be a memorable 2010.

• Stimulus Package, Manufacturers Package, My Package – Seems everyone loves a package, and never before has there been more packages to choose from. Noted package expert and former wife of Michael Waltrip, Buffy Waltrip believes there is never enough packages to go around. “Obviously, my ex-husband had no package worth delivering, as the recent UPS sponsorship move to Roush will attest,” said Buffy. “However, since leaving Michael, the quality of package available to me has improved nearly 100%.”

• Nascar Driver or Autograph Hound? – In what was certainly the most inspired and touching story to be heard in Sin City since ol’ blue eyes kissed Sammy Davis Jr. square on the lips at the midnight show at the Sands Hotel in 1959, Robby Gordon turned the good deed of the year through his random act of support for U.S. forces fighting in Iraq. Sir Gordon reached out to 34 of his driver colleagues to collect autographs for a poster going to the troops on the front lines. With the shapely image of Ms. Camile Toe on the poster to inspire them, nearly all of the drivers were supportive of the effort. Notable drivers to decline the request included Michael “what’s a toe?” Waltrip, Carl “I need some toe” Edwards, and Joey “somebody just tow me” Logano.

• Local Boy Makes Good – Long-time Robby Gordon fan Garrett “Jackie” Gleason made news this week when his graphic design talents were recognized by RGM. Gleason’s car design was utilized for this weeks #7 SPOT Toyota sponsorship, a design that stays true to some of the early 7 car design elements and harkens back to the days of the orange and black Cingular car. “It’s a dream for me to be helpful to my favorite company,” said Gleason. “I can’t wait to see the car on Sunday. I just wish the line of hot women out my front door would stop fighting each other to be first in the house. The neighbors are starting to complain.”

• Late race comment inflames animal rights activists - RGM once again finds itself embroiled in a legal controversy – this time over comments made by NASCAR driver Robby Gordon following the conclusion of the Fresh Fit 500 race in Phoenix. Allegedly, Gordon made a home-improvement suggestion to the driver of the #55 car relating to a 4-legged amphibian that has animal rights activists on the offensive. The Society for the Protection of Frog’s Legs and Asses (SFTPOFLAA) asserts that Gordon’s comments were insensitive and offensive to not only its members, but to all frogs, both living and deceased. This Old House star Bob Vila could not be reached for comment.

• Keeping up with the Jones’ – The surprises from RGM kept coming this week, this time with the announcement that noted road-course expert P.J. Jones would drive a second RGM entry at Sears Point this weekend. Just like the #7, Jones’ #04 Toyota will feature the combined Jim Beam/Menards color scheme. When asked about his role this weekend during the race, Jones replied that he plans to serve as a valued team mate to owner Gordon. “I’ve been Robby’s wing man before and I’m more than happy to take his sloppy seconds.”

• Anyone Care for a Little Crystal Meth? – Ending months of speculation over exactly what drug test did Jeremy Mayfield fail, reports have surfaced that the part-time NASCAR driver and apparent full-time “dope head” tested positive for methamphetamine and medications used to treat “attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder.” When asked about the allegations, Mayfield’s publicist would only say that as soon as she is able to get Jeremy to focus on the issue, she would provide a statement. A talkative Kevin Harvick noted that crystal meth is also known as “hillbilly crack”. “Now I don’t know about you, but the last time I saw any evidence of hillbilly crack is when Delana’s brother bent over to fix a leaky sink faucet.”

• NASCAR Goes Double Wide – In an effort to attract even larger audiences to their sport, NASCAR officials have unveiled plans to introduce double-wide trailers in their existing racing format. NASCAR chief Brian Frances discussed his strategy behind the move. “We all know that a majority of our most ardent fans live in motor homes, trailers and RV’s. By going with a double-wide approach, we believe there will be even more excitement during the race. Ultimately, we hope to see the return of the open button-down shirt, tanned beer gut look from our especially wide fans.”

• Our Own Ms. Camile Towe wins GoDaddy.com contest – Taking Crown Royal’s approach to naming races after deserving fans, GoDaddy.com held their own contest to select a NASCAR enthusiast to serve as official race host. However, in what has become a tradition in GoDaddy marketing, their competition focused not on intellectual savvy, but instead on female physical attributes. Judges for the competition included noted female expert Perez Hilton, businessman Donald Trump, and self-proclaimed hound dog and full-time tipsy actor David Hasselhoff.

Robby Gordon Quotes: “I can’t wait to get the year started and I really like how our down force car drove on Thursday. It sucks up to traffic better than Allan Bestwick sucks up to Dale Jr. Our engine is very stout and once we put grease in all of our wheel bearings, we might have a shot at the big kahuna this Sunday.”

Kirk Almquist Quotes: (Editors note: Kirk was unreachable for his quote this week and calls left on his cell phone were strangely answered by a woman named Bambi who would neither confirm or deny whether she’s seen the wayward crew chief. She did admit, however, that a gentleman matching Almquist’s general description had been seen at her “establishment” along with 8 other gentlemen wearing matching red and black uniforms. “They were all very good tippers,” she said.)

Editors Note: The quote below was written in February 2009 just before the Daytona 500. Either RG is this predictable or I need to spend more time in Vegas.

Kirk Almquist Quotes: “The #7 Jim Beam Toyota has been fast in the draft and I really like how we’ve found the right balance between down force, handling and speed. What I’d really like to find though is whether in my contract I will be doing this job all year. In looking at what happened with my predecessors, I suspect the language on this point is vaguer than a conversation with Mike Helton.”